I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
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I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Good point.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.