I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
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I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Nomnomnomnom