I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
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Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.