I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
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Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.