I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
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[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.