I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
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My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
favorite tropes as memes
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.