Happy Caturday!
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aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.