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@Ellequence: "I can't begin to tell y-"
@usermcuserface: Mary Lincoln: we're going to that play tonight, and that's final!
Abe Lincoln: ugh... how can this day get any worse?
@JimmySelfDest: *loses beer
*opens new beer
*finds old beer
*drinks 2 beers
@VinnieLovelace: Saw a guy with a barcode tattoo on his neck. Scanned it with my RedLaser app & he couldn't believe I found him cheaper on 3 online stores
@KentTheG: It costs today's parents $235,000 to raise a child. And that's just for the alcohol.
@BuckyIsotope: Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he's losing at Risk.