i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
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When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.