I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
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MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
So, can we agree on 4 or
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!