If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
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[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
U talkin 2 me?
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like