If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
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Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes