I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
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Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Wise advice
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly