@Elizasoul80: I can't believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
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@dubstep4dads: Imagine you're about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a "University of Phoenix" degree on the wall
@T_Bonezzz_: We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived. Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
@myvisable: If a woman is bad at parking it's because she is constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.
@toomanytoes: "Endless shrimp" sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It's a threat. The shrimp will never stop.