I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
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*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”