I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
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911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Wikigenius
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Good morning
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.