I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
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The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I鈥檓 not hungry
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Big props to the guy who realized we don鈥檛 need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
The software development process
i can鈥檛 fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
popsicle not seeing heaven 馃槶
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I鈥檒l always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I鈥檒l be over there for you.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
that鈥檚 my husband on the left and me on the right
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
My dress code is business-casualty.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.