I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
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When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind