My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
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*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
In banana years, I am bread.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Where’s my employee discount too?
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
*puts words between two asterisks*
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.