It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
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[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
United Steaks of America
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.