10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
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I don’t make the rules sorry
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
The glory of fall.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I’M CRYINGGG
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
If poetry is dead, then explain this: