@hipstermermaid: I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
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@waydybee: Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
@Mindless4Miles: DJ: "MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!" *Groans* *Sobs* *sighs* *a solitary gunshot*
@Connan22: I will force my way into an inside joke and kill the fun before I let two people laugh about something I don't get.
@JasonLastname: The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.