i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
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Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Do not levitate over flowers
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously