My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
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A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel