I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
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Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Me when someone tries to get to know me