I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
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Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
it is time once again
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries