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Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
im 7 sauces long
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.