I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
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If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
when you order from DoorDastardly
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.