I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
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Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Very good! 👍😂
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”