I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
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Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Story of my life…..
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.