Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
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People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet