@EmilyZDavis: I can't believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
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@MarfSalvador: [broken down submarine] captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
@KizerBillhelm: Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs. Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
@KalvinMacleod: I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.