@EmilyZDavis: I can't believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
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@Cheeseboy22: If you're wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it's because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
@squirrel74wkgn: I'm pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I'm not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
@Brianhopecomedy: My 2 year old woke up. 5 minutes of "Mommy!" 5 minutes of "Mommy?" Said "Daddy?" one time & my wife said, "You should go check on her".
@JohnLyonTweets: "Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?" I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.