“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
You Might Also Like
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever