@GreatestWeight: I can't come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh's soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I'LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
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@THEINBREDCAT: Watching my dad try to scroll through pictures on my phone is like watching someone trying to pet a bubble.
@Storminika: "We don't have iced coffee" Me: "You have coffee?" "Yes" Me: "You have ice?" "Yes" Me: "Were you raised in a barn?"
@briancthayer: *discretely picks a booger* *slyly wipes it on her blouse* Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.