@GreatestWeight: I can't come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh's soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I'LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
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@CliffDuffy: Doctor: How did you get all those bruises? Me: Rough sex Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop Me: Talk to your nurse about that
@bobbiejo448: Every time I use <3 in an @ to someone, I can't help but think, "Please accept this carrot with balls as a token of how much I heart you."