I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
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Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.