I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
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I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
why would tinder want me to say this
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake