I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
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Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Love it! 👍😂
I feel like one of these would kill a European
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.