@highxpectation2: No one realizes when someone says, "The last thing I wanna do is hurt you," that basically implies: there is a list, hurting you is on it.

@WilliamRodgers: I "accidentally" washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again.... Yeah Accident

@VanVeenB: Tried pushing her against the wall to kiss her like all you guys suggested. Put her head right through the drywall. Goddam cheap motels.

@MarloMeekins: Human: your name is Flipper Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND

@possibilyss: You better lock your doors tonight, person who taught my parents texting.