I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
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me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses