“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
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I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
pizza
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
What my back needs
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.