“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
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Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box