Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
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I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Noah
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill