I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
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Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
me doing my best
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns