“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
You Might Also Like
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!