I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
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Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
not to brag, but mine was free
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Don’t tell me what to do
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant