[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
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Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.