Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
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ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
This probably isn’t good
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.