I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
You Might Also Like
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Ron is short for Aaronald