@Awk0Tacoo: I can't get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
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@jonnysun: i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
@DaddyJew: 5: daddy can I tell you a secret? Me: sure thing buddy 5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn't wash my hands
@Vodkantots: "We hug and kiss, but people just don't lick each other." -yet another lie I just told my toddler
@weinerdog4life: I'm not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill