I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
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There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!