I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
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IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.