DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
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I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.