@caliluvgirl77: I can't have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
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@hrtbps: Interviewer: So when did you decide you wanted to be a sumo wrestler? Me: When someone tried to get me onto the dancefloor at a wedding.
@AnniemuMary: Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
@FullGrownChris: "Where are you all going?" A lifeboat. The Titanic is sinking. "You guys are booked til 2. Trust me, this'll be great exposure for your band
@AmishPornStar1: The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.