I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
You Might Also Like
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
they really do be looking like this
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.