@caliluvgirl77: I can't have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
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@LackOfShame: Her: Something's changed in here. Me: I put a new bulb in. Her: Well it's not very bright Bulb: Okay wow I'm like right here.
@ashleyaustrew: I'm on the snake diet. It's the one where you lie on the floor all day, eat 25% of your body weight, and hiss at anyone who comes near you.
@ericsshadow: [first date] I'm really nervous about this. It's been a long time since I've [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
@CroweJam: The Humane Society will give Donald Trump $5 if he releases that thing on his head back into the woods.